It's not (inter)personal: Root-causing conflict at work
I can distinctly remember the day a few years go when a fellow Engineering Manager (EM) shook her head in frustration as she shared how her manager had referred to an issue she brought up as a “personal conflict” between her and another colleague. It inspired me to write about something all too common: managers reducing an issue that isn’t in fact interpersonal to a “personality difference”, or the like. I know that all situations vary and I can’t begin to speculate on why this seems to be so common. But I decided to share a particularly frustrating anecdote with a fairly tragic ending, and provide some pointers for people who find themselves in this situation in the hopes that better outcomes are available.
An anecdote about conflict
Several years ago while managing a team of Technical Program Managers (TPMs) at a large tech company, something happened that was cause for excitement. The CTO was finally getting a Chief of Staff. Said CTO had been leading a large engineering initiative designed to address the speed at which our engineers and the teams they comprised were able to work, ship, and iterate on their development projects. Think less “accelerate metrics” and more “what about our build, run time, and infrastructure processes are slowing you down?”. The scope was all of engineering and the potential for impact was enormous. This initiative was among the CTO’s responsibilities and bringing in a Chief of Staff would provide needed structure and streamlining regarding where time and focus were spent.
Enter the awaited Chief of Staff. They came in with a double-barreled title: Chief of Staff / Sr Director. They were from banking - with no experience in tech or engineering. (We found out later that the CTO interviewed only a single candidate who had been a referral from a relatively recent hire elsewhere within the company.) Their first week they canceled most of the existing meetings related to the in-flight initiative, graded documents like they were elementary school papers, and mocked engineers when they gave presentations that displayed code.
By the first month of this person’s tenure, every person on my team who worked with them came to me with examples of unexpected and egregious behavior. I had my own anecdotes that were quickly amounting to patterns. The behavior in question could be grouped into a few categories: bullying others when they questioned the Chief of Staff’s ideas or approach, mocking or ridiculing team members who made mistakes or struggled with complex situations, insisting on process at the expense of technical solutions. I spoke with the Chief of Staff directly to share my concerns, using a Situation Behavior Impact framework. They rolled their eyes throughout the conversation, laughed at the end, and asked me if I had anything else I wanted to say. I shared all of this with my manager and also scheduled a 1:1 with the CTO to provide feedback.
The conversation with the CTO went surprisingly well. They listened intently, commented on areas where they considered themselves to be at fault by not setting the appropriate expectations for the Chief of Staff role, thanked me for my input and feedback, and promised to follow up in a few week’s time. I felt heard and relieved. I had addressed things early and with data - and perhaps it had worked! And perhaps we would all heal, grow, and contribute to an interesting and desperately-needed initiative!
And then, nothing changed. In fact, things got a lot worse. The extent of the CTO’s follow up was to ask my manager how my “personal issue” with their Chief of Staff was going. More and more people in positions of leadership started raising concerns about the Chief of Staff’s behavior to the CTO. People who worked directly with the Chief of Staff started deflecting to other areas of the company or quitting altogether. The initiative itself withered against its goals and never achieved the desired milestones. Along the way some of us were asked to more formally document the issues we had reported in conversations. Still, no action was taken and the spiral of negative behavior and attrition continued for a full year. Finally when the CTO moved into a different role, the Chief of Staff was stripped of their title and direct reports before being shipped off to be another leader’s problem.
I did not have a personal issue with this person, nor did any of the other people who shared feedback about their experience interacting with them. We all had data points about patterns of behavior that negatively impacted our ability to do our jobs and to support others in their roles. I wish I could say that this is the only time I’ve heard of a broad, legitimate issue being reduced down to a “personal issue” or “personality conflict” between two people. Unfortunately this tends to be quite common. I can’t speculate as to why it’s common or why so many managers tend to start with that reasoning. But I do know that branding something as a “personal issue / personal conflict” doesn’t make it go away. It could be that some managers are hoping the situation will sort itself out if more time is given. Regardless of the why, below I offer some pointers on what to do if you find yourself in a similar situation, and what to do if a direct report or colleague brings something like this to you for discussion.
How to raise concerns about conflict and get support
First and foremost, it’s important to understand for yourself if the issue is “personal” or if this truly is something inhibiting your ability to do your job or having a broader impact on a goal that you are responsible for supporting.
SBI for the win: I’m a huge fan of the Situation - Behavior - Impact framework. It’s a great way to take a step back and honestly examine what is actually happening by stripping away narratives or assumptions and getting to the core of the impact. This should provide great insight into whether or not you just “don’t get along” with someone who might use a different approach than you do, versus a situation that has broader reach and the potential to create a broader, negative blast radius if not addressed.
Talking points: Once you’ve done an SBI analysis, if you conclude that this is an issue that needs to be addressed, you should talk directly to the person in question. This can feel challenging for all kinds of very valid reasons. Maybe it’s someone who is rather bullying in their approach, or who lacks self awareness, or who is known to talk over others. It’s still important to share feedback with them, and crucially it’s the first step in making any headway. When you do have the conversation with them:
Put time on their calendar or add a feedback bullet point to your regular 1:1 doc (because of course you have one of these).
Tell them that you have some feedback to share and ask them if now is a good time.
Tell them that you’d like to be able to share your feedback and get through all of your talking points before accepting questions. “I do want this to be a discussion, but I’d really appreciate being able to share my points with you up front before we get into the discussion. Does it work for you if I take the mic for a few minutes?”
Before you start, tell them how much you value your working relationship with this person (because it’s true! This is important!) and that it’s because you value the relationship that you wanted to share this.
Talk through your SBI points. Sometimes I literally use those words: “So the situation was / has been / happens when …” “The behavior that I’ve observed includes …” “The impact to me / my team is that …” But sometimes I paraphrase.
Once you’ve shared the feedback, reiterate why it’s important for you to have a great working relationship with this person.
Listen to their response. Who knows where the discussion is going to go. Regardless, listen thoughtfully. They listened to you, reciprocate that respect and wait to ask any questions that might come up for you. Lead by example with respect.
Come prepared with suggestions where appropriate. For example, if they are always jerking the wheel in meetings, suggest that you prepare a meeting agenda together or that you tag people for agenda items and ask them to commit to sticking to it.
Ask them if they have any feedback for you. No shit. You just gave them some hard feedback. If you feel safe doing so, be open to feedback as well. Who knows what they might be assuming about your intent and this is a good way to show them that you’re invested in improvement.
Thank them for their time and for their partnership. Gratitude works miracles.
Follow up: If you’ve gotten to a good place with the convo, follow up with them the next day or so with a short, thoughtful message. “Thank you so much for your time on Wednesday. I really appreciated your willingness to discuss all that we covered. Just following up on what we talked about doing moving forward … Let me know if there is anything else we should add or if I’ve missed anything.”
The parachute: If things escalate or get heated, don’t hesitate to call it. “You know what? It doesn’t feel like we’re getting anywhere. Why don’t we take a break and regroup when we’ve both had time to think through things?” You can always make notes, assess what was said, and get support from your manager or mentor on what to do next.
Giving a heads up: Before you talk to the person in question, talk to your manager. Fill them in on the situation. Let them know that you plan to share this feedback and talk them through the approach that you plan to use. Share your SBI analysis and any talking points that you’ve prepared. Ask them if they have suggestions or feedback for you. Ask them for any support you think you might need.
Circle back with your manager after you’ve had the conversation and keep them closely in the loop as things progress. They might want you to bring in HR, or you might decide to escalate to HR on your own if the situation continues to accelerate but your manager drags their feet.
Document. Document. Document: Make sure you keep notes about all of this! From your SBI to notes about your convo to notes about your convo with your manager - you will be so glad that you are tracking this over time. Yeah, I know - it’s more work.
Don’t gossip: So so so tempting, but don’t start wagging your tongue to all of your colleagues. If the topic of conversation comes up because others are experiencing their own set of issues, certainly listen to what they say, tell them that you plan to bring up your own concerns with this person directly using the SBI framework, and ask them if they’ve gone to their manager yet. It’s good to understand if there are more data points, but resist the urge to scratch a commiseration itch, and don’t light a wildfire that might undermine your own credibility.
How to support someone who comes to you about a conflict situation
If you’re a manager and one of your directs brings a challenging situation with another colleague forward to you, please don’t assume that it’s interpersonal or a personality conflict. It very well might be but the entire point of this post is that immediately making that assumption can feel very dismissive to someone who is struggling.
Thanks above all: Thank your direct report for bringing this to your attention and let them know that you are here to support them in getting to a better place with the situation. Because this is literally your job.
Listen: Take the time to listen to the entire situation and ask them to share as much as they feel comfortable sharing on the topic. Let them get it all out. They need to be heard and you’re there for that.
Ask questions: When it’s the appropriate time in the conversation to do so, ask exploratory (not accusatory!) questions about when the behavior is presenting itself, how the other person is reacting, ask them if they’ve already spoken to the other person about this, ask them if they’ve done an SBI analysis (!).
Assess and analyze: As you're listening, you will need to try and determine what seems to be the issue. You’ll need to think about whether this is something you need to escalate (to HR, the other person’s manager) or if you can be supportive in helping them take the next step on their own. You might need time to reflect and think about things and get back to them later with either more questions or suggestions. That’s great - let them know.
Support: Encourage them to do any exercises that you think need to take place: SBI analysis, a role-playing conversation between the two of you so that they feel more confident having the conversation with the person in question, reading any articles or books that you have found to be useful, etc.
Follow up: Make sure to ask them how things are going once you’ve decided what next steps to take. Reiterate your support and availability.
If you’re a colleague and someone brings up a situation like this, take the time to listen. Sometimes we just need to be heard. Ask them if they’ve talked to their manager or if they’ve done an SBI framework. Don’t gossip or spread anything negative about the person in question! If you have your own experiences, it’s ok to note that you’ve struggled with this situation as well and to offer suggestions based on what you’ve seen work but don’t pile on! You can be supportive without taking on the solution.
This was a long one. Thank you for reading and hope this was helpful!